Love Languages

What is a love language and why does it matter? I have been meditating on this for several days now. This subject has been coming up in my coaching sessions which provoked me to look within and get to know my own love language. I thought I knew. I had it all figured out, GIFTS, yes, unequivocally, gifts. But is it? As this subject showed up in nearly every recent session, I pondered; is a love language inherent, are we born with it, or is it learned.

If you asked any young girl what their love language is, they wouldn’t hesitate to tell you which one it is. Their response would be just as quick if you had asked them their zodiac sign, or if they want eggs for breakfast. Love languages seem to be resurfacing as a major player in creating stronger and more meaningful relationships. Although love languages aim to tell you your needs in a relationship, I believe they tell you what you’ve lacked in life all along: a deficiency of the soul, that makes you crave it from another.

I chose gifts because in my family if my parents had a fight, like clockwork, a gift, a new car, flowers, or jewelry would show up. This was my first impression of how someone shows you love. They buy you things. This is not my love language. This was a bad example of what love is.

The 5 Love Languages is a book by Gary Chapman who theorizes that everyone has a “love language”: a favored way of receiving affection, if you will. If you don’t want to read the book, you can take the quiz online, in which you will be asked a series of questions about what you value more in a relationship. Whether you read the book or do the quiz, you’ll be assigned one of the 5 love languages: quality time, physical touch, acts of service, giving and receiving gifts, and words of affirmation.

As I thought about the love languages, and went deep, I understood that mine was not what I have always thought and stated it was, gifts. What then was I missing? I realized If you really, truly value something so strongly it defines the way you give and receive love, your love language must be what you lacked throughout your life.

Words of Affirmation

If your love language is words of affirmation, encouragement, support, and complements may have not been in your childhood vocabulary. It’s natural for people to want to be reassured they’re doing a good job, or just doing good, look good, are good enough. When we get a good grade, we want to be congratulated. When we land a new job, we want to be applauded. Aha, this is my love language. I did not receive a lot of praise or complements as a child. I struggled with value and self-worth and did until about 7 years ago. I realized in my family that some received praise, complements and words of affirmation and others received criticism or were simply ignored. I was mostly ignored. Not complemented or supported when I achieved in school and sports, never when I looked good and mostly invisible when I did poorly. There was just “nothing”. Yes, this is what I lacked in life and what I need to feel loved, enough, worthy of love, good enough. Not invisible.

Acts of Service

If acts of service is your love language, you’ve probably never had help with your daily tasks — the pressure has always been on you to get the multitude of jobs you have, done, especially growing up. In a relationship, you probably really appreciate your partner doing the dishes or going on a grocery run to free up some time in your evening. When your day is so “go go go”, small favors are greatly favored.

Receiving Gifts

Although many claim giving is better than receiving, those whose love language is receiving gifts may have never felt worthy enough of small gestures or thought of in their absence. These individuals will most likely experience a wave of reassurance when their partner surprises them with a gift, even something as simple as a bouquet of flowers. It’s natural to interpret receiving a gift as an act of love and receiving gift individuals will feel loved when they’re shown they’re thought of. On the flip side, back to value and self-worth and how I learned what role gifts played in a relationship (and making up after a fight), I pride myself on being a great gift giver. But I realized through this process that I give gifts because I am afraid if I don’t, I won’t’ be loved. If you know me, you wouldn’t know that. I do love to give gifts. I use my intuition, listened to cues, select the perfect gift, and wrap it in the perfect trappings. I love to see the joy (or surprise) on the face of the receiver. But then I took it a step further. More gifts, more expensive gifts, one thing, the perfect thing was no longer “enough”. I was out of control. I became so worried that I was never doing enough or spending enough, and this became intertwined with my value and self-worth, a vicious cycle. So we also give what we lack as well as wish to receive.

Quality Time

If your love language is quality time, you may not have felt you’ve kept someone’s undivided attention for more than a few minutes. It’s easy to get caught up in multitasking: rescheduling dates and going to bed late are a part of our bustling lives. If you and your partner are constantly engaged in other activities, you probably value the time together when you’re not. Perhaps you never had quality time with your parents as a child. Something else was always more important. They didn’t show up for you when you needed them most.

Physical Touch

Physical touch is what keeps humans connected. As babies, we feel loved through the touches of others, and we long for this pure form of love throughout our lives. I love that “skin to skin” has become an integral part of newborn training for new parents starting the moment of birth when the baby is laid on the mother’s abdomen. Skin to skin is not just for the mother, but the father as well. This physical act of bonding and connecting through skin to skin contact from both parents is visceral. If your love language is physical touch, you may not have received it when you needed it most as a child or be receiving it as often as you should; but miss the warmth of physicality. How well does a hug feel after a long time?

So why the love languages?

Love languages are meant to tell you how you want to receive love, but in my opinion, they also tell you what you lack. We all feel imbalanced in some arena of our lives: whether it’s not receiving enough praise or enough physical touch. In this way, our love language tells us how to achieve balance, by seeking a partner who can fill this void, and in turn fill theirs, to fulfill each other.

Self-Love

We must not forget the importance of self-love. We possess the ability to give ourselves each of these love languages directly and while it is important to receive them from others; it is vital we give them to ourselves as well. When we stop giving our power away to others and relying on external sources to bring us happiness, value, and self-worth, we find ourselves.

If you desire physical touch, try dry brushing, being intentional when applying lotion or body oil or simply brushing your hair.

If you need words of affirmation work on eliminating negative self- talk from your vocabulary. Talk to yourself the way you would want another to speak to you. Try daily affirmations and writing in a gratitude journal and write what you are grateful for about yourself.

If acts of service are what you need – budget a housekeeper once per month or gain the courage to ask for help when you need it.

If you need gifts, work in an award system for yourself when you achieve goals with specific gifts associated with each goal.

If quality time is your thing – make time for it with friends and family, even your own children. Schedule and plan it and then be fully present.

Love matters. Love wins.